I recently turned 30. The biggest turning point of my life was when I shifted from an achievement-driven life to a relationship-driven life. Over the years, I’ve learned that how much I achieve is not as important as how much I love and accept myself.
I’ve always used my intellect and drive to gain approval and acceptance from society. But my true self is soft, gentle, kind, and compassionate. Up until the last few years, I hadn’t given that part of me permission and space to express itself in the world.
Every day I move closer to becoming more vulnerable and more accepting of who I am. Every day I gain a little bit more courage to express love. Every day I strive to give a little more love to myself and the people around me.
On being you
1. If you don’t stand for your dreams, nobody else will
Just before I entered university, I had my heart set on studying psychology. I had a deep curiosity about people and why people behaved the way they did. But people around me discouraged me from pursuing psychology, saying that I wouldn’t make any money. So I gave up my passion to study business and finance. After being in finance for two years, I realised that I still wanted to make a difference to people, so I left to become a coach. We can try to deny who we are and what makes our heart sing, but not for long. We must stand for our own dreams.
2. You’re enough
We’re constantly trying to be more than who we are. In doing so we hurt and reject ourselves. The inner dialogue is always that we’re somehow deficient, and that we must have more, do more, be more. There’s no need to be more than who you are. Just the fact that you exist is enough. You’re allowed to exist. You’re allowed to be here. You’re enough just by existing.
3. Always follow your own path
There will always be expectations put on you that tells you who you should be and where you should go. If you do not chart a path for yourself, you end up either going nowhere or walking someone else’s path. There is no better or worse path. There is no path other than the one you’re walking on. It doesn’t matter where your friends or ex-classmates or colleagues are. All that matters is where you are and what your next step will be.
4. Keep singing your song
It doesn’t matter whether they like it. It doesn’t matter whether they listen. Sing your song and dance your dance. You don’t need praise or validation. You need to sing, you need to dance. Even if you remain anonymous, keep singing. Even if no one hears your song, keep singing. Being yourself is a joy and a privilege, and the greatest reward of a lifetime.
On family
5. Family is more important than you know
Some of us want to be like our parents. Some of us want to be unlike our parents. Some of us want to save our parents. The truth is, we are more like our parents than we imagine. Any attempt to run away from them is an attempt to run away from ourselves. We can only fully accept ourselves when we accept and embrace all parts of ourselves. That includes our parents. Part of the healing process includes understanding who we are, where we came from, and the influences that shaped us. We must make our peace with our family, or we won’t find peace within ourselves.
On giving and receiving
6. We give what we most want to receive
Here is a shortcut to figuring out what you want. What do you want to give to the world? That is what you want for yourself. We have only ourselves as reference points. We can only judge what the world needs by referencing our own needs. So what do you most want to give? That’s what you most need for yourself too.
7. Helping others is really like helping ourselves
We give the help we want to receive. In figuring out how to help people like ourselves, we also figure out how to help ourselves. Want to help yourself? Go help others.
8. You don’t need to save the world, you just need to save yourself
I wanted to help people and make an impact on people. That’s why I became a coach, organised outreach events, and even a national campaign to make a difference to people. In trying so hard to save others, I realised that the real miracle is learning how to save myself.
On pain
9. Crisis and change
Crisis is a sign telling us that it’s time for change. The old ways are no longer working and we must begin creating the new. The bigger the need for change, the bigger the crisis. When we ignore calls to adventure or calls to change ourselves, our stuckness and despair manifest as crises in our lives.
10. You stop hurting when you stop wanting to hurt yourself
This is hard to hear, but we create our own pains and our own dramas. I have bad eczema that flares up whenever I’m under stress, when I’m driving myself too hard, when I’m not really caring for myself. Once, I asked myself, when will all this stop? I heard a voice inside me answer, “When you stop wanting to hurt yourself.” Let go of guilt and of defense. You’ll begin to heal when you stop feeling you deserve pain.
11. Pain gets passed around until it is felt
Someone hurts you. You get angry and vindictive. Maybe you hurt them back. Or you find somebody else to hurt. Any time we refuse to feel our pain or refuse to shed tears that want to be shed, we act out against other people. Pain only ceases when we feel it. By going into the hurt and pain, feeling them, and understanding what they are really about, we transform our pain into something else.
12. Brokenness is humbling
When we break, we have no idea what to do anymore. Our old ways of handling life no longer work. At moments of helplessness, breakdown, and crisis, we become humble enough to allow new light to shine into our worlds.
13. The best time to build is when you’re broken
When you’re broken into a million different pieces, put each piece back in place one by one. Take your time and be patient. You’re building a new life. Once you find the right place for each piece, you’ll have a built a life that fits the new you. With each baby step you take to heal yourself, you lay the foundation for a new structure that supports and nurtures your newfound aspirations and dreams.
14. Just be with me
When I’m in pain, I don’t necessarily want anyone to solve my problems or take away my pain. I just want someone to be beside me, empathising and feeling with me. When I’m seen in all my imperfections, my joy, my sadness, my pain, without a need for me to pretend to be okay, I feel accepted. Sometimes I just want to be seen in moments of weakness, to know that it is okay to feel hurt, it is okay to be in pain. I just want to be held gently, to be looked upon with compassion.
On the little things
15. Success is a series of small steps done properly
How do you build a wall? Brick by brick. How do you write a novel? Word by word. How do you walk 10,000 miles? Step by step. Success is a series of small steps done properly. Each step must be impeccable and complete. When you can do one step properly, you can do two. If you can do two, you can do three. Slowly you’ll have built mastery. Or an empire. Most times we can’t even get the first step right. So the castle crumbles upon itself.
16. Creation occurs in tiny little bits
Creativity opens up to us bit by bit, with each internal barrier we overcome. We can become creative with our appearances when we’re no longer so concerned about what people think of our looks. We become creative with our expression when we’re no longer concerned about how people judge us. In each area of life where we’ve given up fear and control of people’s judgments and outcomes, we can then be creative. That’s a lifelong process.
17. We don’t need much to survive
We don’t actually need much food to survive. We eat so much because most food we consume are not nutritious. They’ve been processed so much that the original form of the food has been distorted. The more energy we put into the processing our food, the more energy we then take to digest and extract nutrients from the food. Eat more fruits and vegetables. They have the nutrients we need, and are easy to digest.
On transcendance
18. There is not better than here. You’re already home.
We’re always trying to get from here to there. We set goals, we invent KPIs. All these are just methods taking us away from here because there’s something about here we do not like. We negated a part of here, and created a there for ourselves. But if we were to just look beyond here and there, we would see that there is a place that encompasses both here and there. When you try walking there and find that there was always here, you’ll realise you are already home.
19. Action and inaction are two sides of the same coin
We live in a field of potential, and each of us has infinite potential. Every choice is a response to our potential. Either we go towards our potential or away from it. Every action is a choice, just as every inaction is a choice. If we could be a writer but choose not to be, it is also a choice. We are responsible not only for our actions but our inactions.
20. We are both the actor and the audience
When you cede control of your life to other people, you’ll feel like a victim, adrift and oppressed. When you try to control your life, you’ll become powerful and achieving but stressed. When you let go of control and begin dancing to the beat of the world, you discover spontaneity and joy. Life is an unfolding, a constant drama in which we are both actor and audience.
21. Transcendence is an integration of dualities
Goals, results, striving, direction, is all us running towards a preferred pole in a world of dualities. We want to be happy, we don’t want to be unhappy. We want to succeed, we don’t want to fail. When we constantly have preferences, life becomes stressful and anxious. We’re only willing to experience one side of life. But when we’re able to emotionally integrate both poles, life becomes joyful. For example, if we have transcended success and failure, life becomes play.
22. Life is full of paradoxes
The more you know, the more you know you don’t know. The more control you seek, the more you learn to let go of control. The more you give, the more you receive. The more you seek power over others, the more you give away power in yourself. The deeper you feel your own pain, the deeper you feel your own joy. The more work you do, the more you realise that work is being done and things are being accomplished, but not by you.
23. Goals are just a context for interaction
Life is a series of goals we set for ourselves. Once we achieve a goal, we immediately set our sights on another. When will we realise it is not the goal that matters, but the journey to attain the goal that does? Goals simply set the context for our interactions with other people. Ultimately it is about the relationships to ourselves and to others that we build along the way that brings joy and fulfilment.
On grace, hope, and wonder
24. Open yourself up to hope and wonder
Life is not meant to be a closed box in which we lock ourselves to keep ourselves comfortable. When we risk failure, we also risk success. When we risk disappointment, we also risk surprise. When we walk in the direction of faith and love, we create hope. When we risk ourselves, we risk wonder. Every step towards the unknown is a new hope, and brings possible joy.
25. It’s your inner experience that counts
There’s no point in being outwardly successful and miserable every day. We often think that it’s only the result that counts. But what really matters is how we experience life. It’s our inner experience of happiness, joy, sadness, anger, compassion, love, and other feelings that contribute towards the quality of our lives. How we live is more important than what we do. Our day to day experiences are the moments that make up our lives.
26. Life is a continuous process of losing and finding ourselves
Life is about growth, and growth is about expanding ourselves and stepping out beyond our comfort zones. Any time we step outside our comfort zones, we discover a new part of ourselves. We lose ourselves in discovering new territories, new frontiers. In rising to meet new challenges, we find a part of ourselves.
27. Every moment is a creation
Life is a constant creation. At each moment, we create our experiences anew. Each new moment is a new chance for us to decide consciously how we want to live and how we want to experience the world.
28. We are carried along by a gentle grace
I used to think that I had full control over my life, that all the results I got in life was due solely to my action. Surprisingly, the more I do, the more I try to control, the more I realise that I succeed not only because of me. I am simply a witness to the marvel of life. There is a great flow of things carrying me along, and most beauty happens when I simply allow things to happen.
On love
29. Existence is love
We place so many conditions on love. If a person brings me flowers, he loves me. If a person forgets my birthday, he doesn’t love me. But the greatest love is that we exist. Isn’t it enough to be given the gift of life? A miracle happens every day, and every day we wake up through no conscious effort on our part. The sun, sky, earth, trees, and seas support our lives. That is universal love, and it is all around us all the time.
30. True communication
I want to communicate with you on all levels. I want to understand you on the level of your being. Can we perfectly understand each other without having to speak? Just by being beside you, I feel your presence. And I know who you are in that moment. I will meet you, as you are, just as how you meet me as I am. Silently we hold each other in our presence, giving each other space to be.
1 comments On 30 lessons from 30 years
How to let go of guilt and defense?