A new understanding of existence

When I first started this blog, my intention was to chart my growth along the journey of evolution. Would my writing change as my perspective of the world shifted?

Looking back on my posts one and a half years ago, here is what I realised.

My early posts were all about ‘should’s. What we should do and what we should do. Toxic beliefs to get rid of. Life principles to adhere to. What to do to reach certain goals.

As time went by, acceptance flowed in. The posts became less prescriptive and more descriptive. Instead of telling myself or others what to do to reach certain results, I simply described what was happening in my experience.

I experienced less struggle, less expectations and demands of what reality ‘should’ be. Joy and beauty had become a larger part of my experience.

A new understanding

There was a time when I understood life to mean achievement. For a while after that, I understood life to mean impact.

Here is my understanding of life today.

Wake up.
Yoga.
Fruits for breakfast.
Spend the morning alone, creating things.
Vegetables for lunch.
Housework.
Watch the trees, birds, and sky.
Chicken and rice for dinner.

Life can be simple. It need only be so simple. And maybe this is the secret. Just the bare necessities, doing what needs to be done. A feeling of gratitude and contentment, appreciating the beauty, simplicity, and enough-ness of it all. The joy of being in my own company.

Sometimes we make life difficult. For much of my life I was afraid to be alone, afraid not to exist in someone else’s world. So I tried to make myself worthy of existence in their eyes. By obeying, by helping, by seeking approval, by seeking recognition. It was as though my existence was not ipso facto valid, and I needed someone else to validate me.

Existence

All my life I have pursued significance. In the end, what does it matter whether I matter?

To spend time alone is to have the courage to go into silence, into the unknown. Where there are no awards to be won or rewards to be earned. Where all I have to do is to be with myself. To play, to behold, to observe, to rest.

I stop existing for the world, and start existing for me.

The labels do not matter in the end. Tired of fighting, I plead guilty to them all. Yes, I am lazy, not good enough, unworthy, unlovable, stupid, ugly, unsuccessful. I am also hardworking, good enough, worthy, lovable, intelligent, beautiful, successful. Without need for approval or judgment, I rest in the nurturing bosom of the universe.

I am the presence and awareness beyond judgments. Where we surrender to our simultaneous largeness and smallness, our successes and failures, our kindness and unkindness, our fear and love, our pains and joys. No more striving, no more fights.

Whether or not we choose to accept the moment, the moment is as it is. There’s nothing to do except experience each and every moment we’ve been given – the good, the bad, the happy, the sad.

Life and death

When faced with death, we drop everything that isn’t important, and focus on what truly matters. We face that which is most important – that which gives us life. What we can die for, we can live for. What we are living for, we are dying for.

I crave that moment when all veils fall away and the truth is revealed. What am I living for? I wish to put myself as a priority, to live just for me. I wish my life to be an authentic expression of who I am. How to get there? The first step is kindness. The second is gentleness. The third, compassion. That is worth living and dying for.

Day by day, I am slowly dying. I have been dying since I was born. Each breath is a reminder of my ephemeral existence. Now is as good as any moment to push pause and live exactly the way I want to.

As I draw closer to finality, the transience of each moment invites death, and birth.